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[astrobleme]

[There's just a generic, computer-synthesized greeting that implores you to leave a message at your convenience.]

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You're just going to hang him over my head again.

[astrobleme]

[Tired, maybe even fading:] I want to show you something. Please.

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[I don't need you. I don't want you. She's silent, lying with her face pressed against her bedcovers. She'd moved from the bathroom some time before.]

[Then, slowly, she finds herself getting up and heading to the shuttles, arms folded, shoulders slumped, daring anyone and everyone to just try and interrupt her. She feels like a hollowed-out tree as she gets inside, mechanically directing the route. She doesn't have to think about it.]

I'll be there. Make it quick.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji is waiting for Asuka in the cargo bay, around where the shuttles dock. He's still wearing a blanket over his head and his shoulders, all the way down his back. He looks ridiculous. Pathetic. About as resolute as a pile of down feathers. But there's a hard quality to his gaze when he finally catches sight of her.

As soon as she's near enough, he says,] Hold out your hand.

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[Asuka can't help her own stray thought that if she was there all the time, he wouldn't look so bad. She'd have made him take the blanket off. Nagisa can talk about how he wants Shinji to feel comfortable all he wants, but--]

[She's not looking directly at his face. In fact, her gaze is mostly on the floor, except for darting glances. She pushes her hand out stiffly, trying to shove down her own faint curiosity. As far as she knows, he's never left this ship. He can't possibly be giving her anything.]

[astrobleme]

[Shinji holds out his hand, mimicking her. Then, solemnly, like he's officiating a funeral, he curls back every finger except for his pinky. He tries to be gentle while linking his pinky with hers.]

Pinky promise. [Yubikiri. It's supposed to be a song, but he can't force any levity into his voice. He just says,] If I'm telling you a lie, I'll drink one thousand needles, and then cut off my finger. [His pinky tightens, as sincere as a mother's kiss.] I'm not going to leave you again. Never again.

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Y-you idiot.

[But she doesn't wrench her hand away until he's done. Her head's throbbing. Stupid. She's never heard the words before, but she can tell by the rote way he says it that he hasn't made it up himself.]

We're not kids anymore. [No. She's not a kid anymore. Except she is. A greedy, lonesome kid fighting over her crush. For a minute, she looks as though she's about to start laughing.] You can't just... just promise me things like...

[astrobleme]

It's too late. I promised.

[Shinji withdraws his hand, tucking it back into the pocket of his jumper. He still has very dark, ugly circles under his eyes, now more apparent than ever. Though he's been getting more sleep lately, the quality of sleep hasn't been too good. Nightmares. Reliving his failures.]

You're just going to have to deal with it.

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[Her hand hovers in midair before finding its way to her thigh. Still in the plugsuit after all this time. At least she's washed it regularly. He looks so bad right now, but she knows she doesn't look great, either, eye on the verge of watering up, face pallid. All the color from earlier seems drained out. She shuts her eyes, both of them, and shakily steps backwards.]

I should go.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji doesn't even realize he's crying until the first tear drips off of his chin. Too much stress. This has been too much. Tentatively, he says,] I'll wait here until you get back. [Not a broad statement. He means this exact spot, right here, and he's looking down at it, his vision blurring.]

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Don't wait. Don't wait.

[He's crying. She made him cry. It's unendurable. Exhausting. Finally, she can't take it anymore, sinking down to the floor, burying her head in her hands. No good. Fourteen years and she's still no good to him or anyone else, just a jealous, idiot creature, choking back sobs like a child afraid of punishment.]

I'm sorry.

[astrobleme]

[If Asuka isn't going to stay standing, then Shinji sees no reason why he should bother. He sits down in front of her, their legs almost touching, then touching just a little bit. Unlike a week ago, he isn't sobbing or wailing like an infant abandoned on a stranger's front stoop. Might be an improvement.]

Tell me what I can do to make it better.

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You can't do any-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[God, this is so absurdly pathetic. Beyond the scope. She stares at her knees, aware he's moved up closer. He could still reject her. She'd deserve it. Her voice is wobbling, but at least she isn't crying.]

Stupid. It's just stupid.

[astrobleme]

I don't think it's stupid. Your...

[He swallows painfully.]

Your feelings. How you feel. It's not stupid. I just don't understand it.

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You knew the whole time. What's there to understand?

[astrobleme]

[Lips twisting sadly, he mumbles,] I'm no good, Asuka. It's like saying you care about a water flea.

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You're so-- I hate that about you. I hate that you hate yourself so much.

[astrobleme]

But it's all I've ever known. [A silent, distraught pause. Then, slowly and softly,] So when I say, "I feel less awful"... that really is a ringing endorsement. Because I'm not hating myself as much. If these... two amazing people... can find something worthwhile in me, then... maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

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I'm not amazing. I'm sick.

[She finally raises her head and opens her eyes. He's hated himself since before he found out about what he'd done to the planet. She knew he hated himself, because she hated herself, too. Her forefinger and thumb rub against the pinky of her other hand.]

You were gone when I got out of the hospital. You and Ayanami. I thought I hated you for leaving. I thought I was over everything. But I wasn't. I wasn't over anything at all.

[astrobleme]

You're amazing. [She's so much stronger than he is. If their roles were reversed, he doesn't doubt that he would be dead right now. He wouldn't have survived those fourteen years on his own. It's hard enough to survive fourteen minutes.] You have every right and reason to hate me, but you don't. And it's not that you're just... indifferent about me. You like me. You want me to be happy.

[He uses his sleeve to wipe away his tears.]

I w-want you to be happy, too.

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[Something in Asuka crumbles to pieces. Kind words are worse than cruel ones. She could lash back out at cruel words, saturate herself in her own anger and use it as a shield. But when he's being good, when he's wanting something good for her, she can't take it.]

[Asuka feels the tears form and doesn't blink them back in time. She's rubbing at her visible eye hard with her glove and praying her eyepatch doesn't get too clotted up with gunk. It probably will. She's shuddering painfully, unfocused, on the precipice of maybe, maybe. It feels like several minutes before she has breath enough to speak almost evenly.]

I shouldn't like you. I should just grow up.

[astrobleme]

Well... [Hesitantly, Shinji touches her ankle, somewhat affectionate. He's smiling a tiny amount.] The captain of this ship is probably single, and way more likeable than I am, if you want me to introduce you. [... is he joking? Maybe. Maybe not. It's actually a frightening possibility: Asuka and Kaworu will meet new people, better people, from the fleet. They'll get over him, and move on. And he won't get in the way of that.]

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No. He'd be a creep if he was interested. [She looks as if she's about to smile, though it's a little bit pitiful. She can't commiserate with Shinji on age, and the thought of whining with Nagisa is putrid. Instead, she shakes her head, words sort of wobbly, steadying as her breaths even out.] I guess I'm stuck. You did promise.

[astrobleme]

Mm, you have such high standards. [That's why it makes no sense for you to like me. Anyway, this almost feels like the banter they used to have back in Misato's apartment. Shinji approves. Kind of.] Maybe your soul mate is a creepy guy, just waiting for you to notice him.

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Too late for that.

[She says it dryly as she starts to get up, wiping snot off her nose. Every interaction with him leaves her robbed of some dignity. But she feels a little better now, at least.]

What's your plan here, anyway?