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You're so-- I hate that about you. I hate that you hate yourself so much.

But it's all I've ever known. [A silent, distraught pause. Then, slowly and softly,] So when I say, "I feel less awful"... that really is a ringing endorsement. Because I'm not hating myself as much. If these... two amazing people... can find something worthwhile in me, then... maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

I'm not amazing. I'm sick.

[She finally raises her head and opens her eyes. He's hated himself since before he found out about what he'd done to the planet. She knew he hated himself, because she hated herself, too. Her forefinger and thumb rub against the pinky of her other hand.]

You were gone when I got out of the hospital. You and Ayanami. I thought I hated you for leaving. I thought I was over everything. But I wasn't. I wasn't over anything at all.

You're amazing. [She's so much stronger than he is. If their roles were reversed, he doesn't doubt that he would be dead right now. He wouldn't have survived those fourteen years on his own. It's hard enough to survive fourteen minutes.] You have every right and reason to hate me, but you don't. And it's not that you're just... indifferent about me. You like me. You want me to be happy.

[He uses his sleeve to wipe away his tears.]

I w-want you to be happy, too.

[Something in Asuka crumbles to pieces. Kind words are worse than cruel ones. She could lash back out at cruel words, saturate herself in her own anger and use it as a shield. But when he's being good, when he's wanting something good for her, she can't take it.]

[Asuka feels the tears form and doesn't blink them back in time. She's rubbing at her visible eye hard with her glove and praying her eyepatch doesn't get too clotted up with gunk. It probably will. She's shuddering painfully, unfocused, on the precipice of maybe, maybe. It feels like several minutes before she has breath enough to speak almost evenly.]

I shouldn't like you. I should just grow up.

Well... [Hesitantly, Shinji touches her ankle, somewhat affectionate. He's smiling a tiny amount.] The captain of this ship is probably single, and way more likeable than I am, if you want me to introduce you. [... is he joking? Maybe. Maybe not. It's actually a frightening possibility: Asuka and Kaworu will meet new people, better people, from the fleet. They'll get over him, and move on. And he won't get in the way of that.]

Edited 2016-02-16 05:20 (UTC)

No. He'd be a creep if he was interested. [She looks as if she's about to smile, though it's a little bit pitiful. She can't commiserate with Shinji on age, and the thought of whining with Nagisa is putrid. Instead, she shakes her head, words sort of wobbly, steadying as her breaths even out.] I guess I'm stuck. You did promise.

Mm, you have such high standards. [That's why it makes no sense for you to like me. Anyway, this almost feels like the banter they used to have back in Misato's apartment. Shinji approves. Kind of.] Maybe your soul mate is a creepy guy, just waiting for you to notice him.

Too late for that.

[She says it dryly as she starts to get up, wiping snot off her nose. Every interaction with him leaves her robbed of some dignity. But she feels a little better now, at least.]

What's your plan here, anyway?

[His smile is too feeble to last. He looks up at her, blinking.]

My plan?

Well, yeah. What do you want to do?

[That sounds like a trick question.]

Go back to bed? [he asks meekly.]

[That's because it is.]

You know what I mean! Do I have to spell it out?

But I don't know what you mean. [He can only hope she isn't referring to his relationship status. Because, uh... "it's complicated" wouldn't even begin to cover that.]

Liar! You can't just worm your way out of this when he's already posting about Valentine's Day!

[God damn it. God fucking damn it. His face is getting too warm to deny that he's blushing.]

Kaworu-kun isn't my boyfriend, [he mumbles, as if that explains everything.]

Then what is he?

[For that matter, what is she, but she's afraid to ask that. If he's going to relegate her to being his daily reminder to eat and occasionally wash his hair, she's not willing to hear that yet.]

He's my friend. [Shinji can say that much with unwavering certainty, at least. His voice is sincere and faithful. And he can say it in just the same way with,] You're my friend, too. [Which, in all honesty, is pretty stellar for him. He has a lot of trouble with making friends.]

Look, I'm... not... I'm not prepared to think about that mushy stuff. Not right now. It's embarrassing, and... I don't understand it. Liking me. Loving me. I just don't understand it.

Edited 2016-02-16 17:46 (UTC)

[That's... surprisingly at least on the border of mature. Asuka looks slightly mollified, anyway. It's not a yes, but it's not a no, either. She's lived off of worse deferrals.]

Yeah, all right. [A pause.] But he does want in your pants.

[Oh boy. Shinji has always wanted to know what it's like to die of a pulmonary embolism.] I don't think Angels are interested in that sort of thing?! [His voice gets higher and higher, while his face gets redder and redder. He's doing a great impression of a tea kettle.]

[Asuka can't contain herself at the look on Shinji's face and the sound of his voice reversing puberty. She bursts into laughter, even if it sounds a little weird and barkish. She's almost forgotten how to laugh. Leaning forward, she punches Shinji in the shoulder-- not quite as lightly as she means to.]

Whatever you say, idiot. I'll protect you.

[Domestic abuse, on top of everything else...! Shinji makes a point of rubbing his poor, unequivocally bruised shoulder, before he decides to stand up again.

He sounds slightly less squeaky when he replies:] I'm a guy, you know. Don't need you to protect my purity. [Then, with a sigh, he draws the blanket in tighter around himself.]

Edited 2016-02-17 19:58 (UTC)

[He's starting to crawl back into his shell. Asuka's more okay with that right now than she expected. She's even still amused. Sort of. Casting Kaworu as an incorrigible predator might be the most petty, useless revenge, but it's one she'll take.]

I think you do. [She hesitates briefly.] Hey, go back to bed, then. Get some sleep.

[Shinji slept all afternoon, but he's still stupidly tired. This Valentine's Day drama is a lot more trouble than it's worth. Why can't everyone just get along? What is so hard about that?]

Not until you feel better, [he says, sniffling.]

I'm fine. Seriously.

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astrobleme - 2016-02-18 19:40 (UTC) - Expand