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[astrobleme]

[There's just a generic, computer-synthesized greeting that implores you to leave a message at your convenience.]

Comments

[astrobleme]

[...

Is that confirmation?

No, no, Shinji is just reading into it too much... talking about the day at the piano, rather than...]

If you need a break, or time to yourself, or whatever, just go for it. I know I can be really clingy and unreasonable, but you're more important than that. Everyone has a limit to what they can deal with. If you're tired then you're probably approaching your limit. I don't want you to get so tired that you start resenting me for it.

[Maybe he's the one who feels like crying now.]

You don't have to do anything else. It's okay. It's going to be okay.

[paraclete]

I don't want time to myself. I don't want to ever be apart from you again.

[He feels nauseated. Could be the alcohol; could be the thought of another fourteen years.]

I could never resent you. It's not like you're too much or anything, you're wonderful the way you were and are and someday will be. But I don't want you to resent me either.

It's going to be okay, right? I think sot oo. Once I started thinking that things got a lot easier. Even being tired got easier. So I know I won't resent you because I know it's going to be okay. I know that and you told me that. I trust you. If you say it's going to be okay then it will. Well, I'll listen to anything you say though. If you're talking to me, I want tohear it. I like ahving your attention and I like paying attention to you too. You're my best friend and I'm always thinking about how much I like you and how much I love you :) :) :) :) :) And we'll stay together and be happy together and Second will also smile, I'm sure she has a nice smile if she wants ot smile with us and we can all be friends. She's nicer than you'd think at first, kind when she has no reason to be. But you're the nicest of all.

[astrobleme]

["Second." It takes Shinji a couple seconds to realize that's Asuka, which gives him a weird, wriggling feeling. Maybe they've known each other for longer than he thought.]

Definitely. We can all be friends. As long as we stick together, we can do that. Does that mean you're getting along better with Asuka? [He hasn't seen any awful public outbursts, but they might have moved their ire elsewhere. He has a bad feeling that Asuka said something hurtful to Kaworu about stuff beyond friendship.] Maybe it's a long shot, but I'd like it if you guys could be real friends. Then we can all look out for one another and no one has to be too tired.

We should save the kissing for when we're alone, though.

[He doubts that Kaworu is going to acknowledge this in daylight, so...]

[paraclete]

[Asuka definitely said something hurtful. Asuka is often saying something hurtful. But...]

She did something really kind for me and she kept a promise to me. We're going to work together and it's going to be good. [...] Fighting with her didn't make me happy but more importantly it didn't make you happy. And I don't think it made her happy either. So we're not going to fihgt anymore.

[He feels young right now, but it's muted, like being old versus being young is a faraway concept. Maybe he needs to brush his hair. Maybe he needs to keep his hands to himself. But he feels young, and he can't help but ask,]

Does that mean you want to kiss me when we're alone?

[astrobleme]

[A promise? Shinji doesn't know how to react to that. A promise between Kaworu and Asuka proves that he's being left out of the loop. That's unfair when he doesn't know anything in the first place. Damn it.]

Yeah, I don't want you guys to fight. I'm sick of anything to do with fighting.

[Kaworu is his best friend, while Asuka is... a complicated friend. Shinji is pretty sure he can make enough time for the both of them. Jealousy is the only major obstacle here. Which is why he shouldn't kiss Kaworu behind Asuka's back... but Kaworu was the one who mentioned kissing...

Increasingly nervous, he writes,]

If that's what you want to do.

I've never kissed a boy before.

You'll probably be disappointed.

[paraclete]

It's okay if she's angry with me. She should be angry with me. But I owe it to her and to you to do what I can. It's just that I'm scared of her. Now more than ever I am scared of her. She could ruin me and I can't afford to be ruined if we're all going to be happy toegether. But did you know I have never been disappointed in you?

[While his texts have been in rapid fire up until now, there's a lag before this next one.]

I wouldn't want you to be disappointed either

I only want to do nice things to you. Iw ant it to be something you would like. I would want to hold onto you carefully and not too tightly. I would want to taste good for you. I wouldn't want oyu to hate it.

[astrobleme]

[Until just now, Shinji has never felt his pulse spike this high outside of an Eva. He's more or less kind of going into cardiac arrest. Kaworu writes taste and Shinji's mind scatters in a million different directions, all of them adolescent, most of them inappropriate. He's struggling to focus on the first part of the message--Kaworu shouldn't be scared--Kaworu shouldn't ever be scared--but holy mackerel, Kaworu is talking about tongue, maybe, possibly. That's the most intense thing to think about.]

I'd never forgive her if she did something to ruin you

So don't be scared

I won't let her hurt you.

[Oh man. Oh jeez. Oh man, and oh jeez...]

But there's no way to know how kissing feels until we try. And there's no way to try until you're over here.

[His bunk could be a sauna for the heat and humidity.]

You really do want to kiss me?

[paraclete]

[...]

:) :) :) :) :) :) ;) ;) :)

[astrobleme]

[Oh man. Oh man...

Shinji suddenly wants to smother himself to death. There's no way that he's the least bit attractive to this breathtakingly beautiful person.]

I

[ajksld;hv]

I'm willing to do it whenever just let me know.

[paraclete]

Whenever sounds good. Whenever always sounds good. I feel bad and I'm sorry but I wanted so much to kiss you when we stayed out all night. I wanted to kiss you when the sun was setting and I wanted to kiss you underneath the stars and I wanted to kiss you when dawn was firdst starting to come. You were so beautiflu when you told me about the constellations you liked best. I'm amazed. I love you so much and I'm so happy you don't mind when I say it because I love you so much. I'm smiling again like this :) :) :D :D :D :) :D :)but crying because?? you're so wonderful and I feel like I'm asleep

[astrobleme]

["I really was born to meet you." God, if Shinji had just admitted his feelings sooner...]

Sounds like you should probably ease off on the drinking. I don't want you to get sick, Kaworu-kun.

[paraclete]

Then I'll take it easily. And when I stop crying I'll come and hold you and kiss you and love you and it will be nice and wonderful. Don't you think?

[astrobleme]

'Nice and wonderful' is an understatement.

[...]

My heart is beating so fast right now.

[paraclete]

Mine too. And I started glowing

[astrobleme]

Glowing? Because of me?

[paraclete]

Yes I'm so happy I can't help myself. It's like all of me is smiling.

[astrobleme]

Before I met you, I was so unhappy that I thought I was never going to smile again...

Thank you for everything.

[paraclete]

When I love you I am doing something that is vital to me and you don't have to thank me for that because I should bet htanking you for accepinting it. But if you're going to thank me I want t o thank you too. Thank you for making everything worthwhile.

[astrobleme]

I might be crying now too. Crying and smiling.

I can't wait to see you again.

[paraclete]

Iam goingn to STop crying because I want so much to see you right now and I don't have to wait. I can wait if I have to but I don't have to. So I'm going to come see you.

[astrobleme]

[Maybe he's laughing, too, because this is so weirdly endearing.]

Do you need help with the shuttle?

[paraclete]

Well

[...]

Yeah I think so

[astrobleme]

Okay. You went to the Iskaulit, right? I think that's what you said. I'll send a shuttle over to you.

[Cowardice, really.

Shinji doesn't know how long the stopping of tears will take, so he brings along a jacket and his music player. There's a ball of nervousness in his stomach by the time he arrives in the cargo bay, and it's only getting bigger the longer he waits for Kaworu. It was one thing to be relatively composed in text, but in person... in reality... Shinji feels like he's about to collapse into a neutron star.]

If he changes... mind... [Mumbling to himself, he scans the brightly lit cargo bay and then looks down again.] It's fine, so... shouldn't... [God damn. He's so paranoid that he swears he can feel when Kaworu is getting closer to him.]

[paraclete]

Soon ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

[So now all that's left is for him to stop crying and excuse himself.

...

Miraculously — or maybe inevitably, since while he currently lacks inhibitions, he never lacks willpower — the tears stop. He's able to zig-zag away from the bar and to where the shuttle is waiting, and once he's on his way, he curls up... and cries a little more... No!! Stop that. The shuttle docks, and he scrubs at his face. He won't disembark until he's presentable.

Well, when he does emerge onto the Heron, he has stopped crying again, but "presentable" may not really be applicable here. The top half of his jumper is undone and pulled down; its sleeves are tied around his waist. Underneath, he's got on a plain white t-shirt and a flush that is noticeable enough, given his pallor, that it stretches past his face, down his neck, blotching his clavicle. His hair could stand to be combed. His hands are in his pockets and his posture looks as confident as ever — maybe more confident.

Except he can't walk in a straight line, even with Shinji as his destination, and after a moment of drawing closer, he takes his hands out of his pockets and spreads his arms, like he's going to throw them around Shinji as soon as he's near enough.]

Shinji-kun! [That's easily the loudest Shinji's ever heard him speak.]

[astrobleme]

[More than once, Shinji had to sling Misato's wet noodle of an arm around his shoulders and help her get into bed. He had to hold her hair away from her face while she vomited into the toilet in waves of regret. He had to bring her glasses of water and make hangover remedies for her--he tried different ones, and tomato juice seemed to help the most--in the mornings after. He knows that flushed skin, those too-bright eyes, this overly friendly spread of arms and what it means. That's a voice without volume control and words without a filter in between. This is a mind that's as open and honest as it's ever going to be. He asked Misato, "Why do I have to be a pilot?" He could ask Kaworu, "Am I still a human being?"

His smile is weak in comparison, but genuine. He's very self-conscious now.] Kaworu-kun, [he says, and when he inhales, he can smell the liquor that Kaworu must have been draining by the gallon.] Let's get you washed up and into bed. [What about the kiss? That's the trouble with discussing intimate details in text. Expectation versus reality. He hesitates, then holds out his hand.]