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[astrobleme]

[There's just a generic, computer-synthesized greeting that implores you to leave a message at your convenience.]

Comments

[paraclete]

It's okay if she's angry with me. She should be angry with me. But I owe it to her and to you to do what I can. It's just that I'm scared of her. Now more than ever I am scared of her. She could ruin me and I can't afford to be ruined if we're all going to be happy toegether. But did you know I have never been disappointed in you?

[While his texts have been in rapid fire up until now, there's a lag before this next one.]

I wouldn't want you to be disappointed either

I only want to do nice things to you. Iw ant it to be something you would like. I would want to hold onto you carefully and not too tightly. I would want to taste good for you. I wouldn't want oyu to hate it.

[astrobleme]

[Until just now, Shinji has never felt his pulse spike this high outside of an Eva. He's more or less kind of going into cardiac arrest. Kaworu writes taste and Shinji's mind scatters in a million different directions, all of them adolescent, most of them inappropriate. He's struggling to focus on the first part of the message--Kaworu shouldn't be scared--Kaworu shouldn't ever be scared--but holy mackerel, Kaworu is talking about tongue, maybe, possibly. That's the most intense thing to think about.]

I'd never forgive her if she did something to ruin you

So don't be scared

I won't let her hurt you.

[Oh man. Oh jeez. Oh man, and oh jeez...]

But there's no way to know how kissing feels until we try. And there's no way to try until you're over here.

[His bunk could be a sauna for the heat and humidity.]

You really do want to kiss me?

[paraclete]

[...]

:) :) :) :) :) :) ;) ;) :)

[astrobleme]

[Oh man. Oh man...

Shinji suddenly wants to smother himself to death. There's no way that he's the least bit attractive to this breathtakingly beautiful person.]

I

[ajksld;hv]

I'm willing to do it whenever just let me know.

[paraclete]

Whenever sounds good. Whenever always sounds good. I feel bad and I'm sorry but I wanted so much to kiss you when we stayed out all night. I wanted to kiss you when the sun was setting and I wanted to kiss you underneath the stars and I wanted to kiss you when dawn was firdst starting to come. You were so beautiflu when you told me about the constellations you liked best. I'm amazed. I love you so much and I'm so happy you don't mind when I say it because I love you so much. I'm smiling again like this :) :) :D :D :D :) :D :)but crying because?? you're so wonderful and I feel like I'm asleep

[astrobleme]

["I really was born to meet you." God, if Shinji had just admitted his feelings sooner...]

Sounds like you should probably ease off on the drinking. I don't want you to get sick, Kaworu-kun.

[paraclete]

Then I'll take it easily. And when I stop crying I'll come and hold you and kiss you and love you and it will be nice and wonderful. Don't you think?

[astrobleme]

'Nice and wonderful' is an understatement.

[...]

My heart is beating so fast right now.

[paraclete]

Mine too. And I started glowing

[astrobleme]

Glowing? Because of me?

[paraclete]

Yes I'm so happy I can't help myself. It's like all of me is smiling.

[astrobleme]

Before I met you, I was so unhappy that I thought I was never going to smile again...

Thank you for everything.

[paraclete]

When I love you I am doing something that is vital to me and you don't have to thank me for that because I should bet htanking you for accepinting it. But if you're going to thank me I want t o thank you too. Thank you for making everything worthwhile.

[astrobleme]

I might be crying now too. Crying and smiling.

I can't wait to see you again.

[paraclete]

Iam goingn to STop crying because I want so much to see you right now and I don't have to wait. I can wait if I have to but I don't have to. So I'm going to come see you.

[astrobleme]

[Maybe he's laughing, too, because this is so weirdly endearing.]

Do you need help with the shuttle?

[paraclete]

Well

[...]

Yeah I think so

[astrobleme]

Okay. You went to the Iskaulit, right? I think that's what you said. I'll send a shuttle over to you.

[Cowardice, really.

Shinji doesn't know how long the stopping of tears will take, so he brings along a jacket and his music player. There's a ball of nervousness in his stomach by the time he arrives in the cargo bay, and it's only getting bigger the longer he waits for Kaworu. It was one thing to be relatively composed in text, but in person... in reality... Shinji feels like he's about to collapse into a neutron star.]

If he changes... mind... [Mumbling to himself, he scans the brightly lit cargo bay and then looks down again.] It's fine, so... shouldn't... [God damn. He's so paranoid that he swears he can feel when Kaworu is getting closer to him.]

[paraclete]

Soon ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

[So now all that's left is for him to stop crying and excuse himself.

...

Miraculously — or maybe inevitably, since while he currently lacks inhibitions, he never lacks willpower — the tears stop. He's able to zig-zag away from the bar and to where the shuttle is waiting, and once he's on his way, he curls up... and cries a little more... No!! Stop that. The shuttle docks, and he scrubs at his face. He won't disembark until he's presentable.

Well, when he does emerge onto the Heron, he has stopped crying again, but "presentable" may not really be applicable here. The top half of his jumper is undone and pulled down; its sleeves are tied around his waist. Underneath, he's got on a plain white t-shirt and a flush that is noticeable enough, given his pallor, that it stretches past his face, down his neck, blotching his clavicle. His hair could stand to be combed. His hands are in his pockets and his posture looks as confident as ever — maybe more confident.

Except he can't walk in a straight line, even with Shinji as his destination, and after a moment of drawing closer, he takes his hands out of his pockets and spreads his arms, like he's going to throw them around Shinji as soon as he's near enough.]

Shinji-kun! [That's easily the loudest Shinji's ever heard him speak.]

[astrobleme]

[More than once, Shinji had to sling Misato's wet noodle of an arm around his shoulders and help her get into bed. He had to hold her hair away from her face while she vomited into the toilet in waves of regret. He had to bring her glasses of water and make hangover remedies for her--he tried different ones, and tomato juice seemed to help the most--in the mornings after. He knows that flushed skin, those too-bright eyes, this overly friendly spread of arms and what it means. That's a voice without volume control and words without a filter in between. This is a mind that's as open and honest as it's ever going to be. He asked Misato, "Why do I have to be a pilot?" He could ask Kaworu, "Am I still a human being?"

His smile is weak in comparison, but genuine. He's very self-conscious now.] Kaworu-kun, [he says, and when he inhales, he can smell the liquor that Kaworu must have been draining by the gallon.] Let's get you washed up and into bed. [What about the kiss? That's the trouble with discussing intimate details in text. Expectation versus reality. He hesitates, then holds out his hand.]

[paraclete]

[There's a glare to everything Kaworu sees, but Shinji's face is a thumbprint: it can never be mistaken for anything but what it is. And it's perfect, too. It's so perfect that Kaworu feels like crying again.

He curves closer, and reaches out till he can touch Shinji's hand. He doesn't stop there, though. His fingers run up the back of Shinji's hand, along the length of his arm, and he doesn't stop even when he's touching Shinji's shoulder. Instead, he gathers Shinji completely into his arms, embracing him tightly — not too tightly, like he promised earlier. He knows that he has to be careful and good.]

Oh, I love you so much, [he says, with his face pressed down against Shinji's shoulder.] I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy that I didn't have to wait. We're going to bed together, right?

[astrobleme]

[Shinji isn't that much shorter than Kaworu, really, but it feels like Kaworu is looming over him, enclosing him within his light. (His light?) The number of times Shinji has been hugged is somewhere around almost never. He doesn't remember his mother, and his father wouldn't have stooped that low. Asuka held him when he cried on the day he boarded the Heron... Lying beside Kaworu, they could be close, fingers entwined, but not embracing like this. So, this is seriously something else. Something dreamlike. Something suffused with good will and all the other things Shinji doesn't deserve.

His eyes fall shut out of instinct. He lifts his hands--he's worried that he'll touch something he isn't supposed to, but he does fold his arms around Kaworu, too. He ends up clutching Kaworu's T-shirt tightly, even more tightly, all at once afraid that this person is going to be ripped away from him. Please. Please. I just need a little more time.]

Of course we're going together. [He should be proud of himself for not bursting into tears. Still, his whole head is a waterlogged mess.] We've been going together for... for months, now, and... [Normal people don't know how much of a panacea a single hug can be. He's sinking, relaxing, breathing in more than alcohol.] I love you. Kaworu-kun, I love you no matter what happens.

[paraclete]

[The desert is vast. It's all sand and horizon. Kaworu didn't realize how thirsty he was until just now, as he holds, as he's held. Shinji's arms are around him. Shinji wants to be near him. That much had been established between them, verbally, but it's a clearer sensation when it extends to physicality. Kaworu could melt into this. He could sink deep, even deeper than that, and exist wholly in this: encircled, with his sternum against Shinji's sternum. The only hard thing about hugging Shinji is the acquaintance of their bones.

Kaworu has his cheek pressed to Shinji's shoulder; then to the side of Shinji's neck; then to the soft relief of Shinji's hair.] I want to go together forever. Forever. Is that so wrong? [Conversely, Kaworu has nothing to be proud of. When he pulls back enough to look at Shinji's face, his own eyes are brimming with shimmery tears. In that moment he looks very young, like he needs someone to wash his face and brush his hair. Like something about this is happening for the first time. But he gains the maturity of a mother when he smiles.] You have such a pretty face. I'm glad I get to look at it. Let's go? I want to be alone with you, like you said.

[astrobleme]

[Wrong? Shinji opens his eyes, then, revealing a quality that's both alarmed and tender. Several years ago, Shinji would have said this is wrong. Two boys weren't supposed to touch each other this way. Marriage was meant for a man and a woman, perfectly complementary, with procreation as a goal more so than emotion. He didn't know any better, so he clung to those moral lessons, his world view unchallenged. All of that unraveled rapidly as soon as he looked a little harder and noticed how much people suffered from prejudice and so on. It wasn't something he could change--he's ineffective--he's a nobody--but he could at least treat people better than the world treated them.

He didn't really realize he could be like that until he met Kaworu, though. And he honestly did wrestle with that attraction, unable to understand how he could like girls and boys at the same time. It's still kind of mystifying. But now...]

I don't think it's wrong at all.

[Now, Shinji stops strangling Kaworu's shirt so he can smooth a hand down his back. It's a maternal gesture, too, but one he's learned all on his own. He just wants to protect Kaworu while he's in this very vulnerable state. Being alone together...

Despite the Heron's chilly air, his face is warm like a summer afternoon.]

Yeah. Let's go.

[He finds and clasps one of Kaworu's slim hands, before leading him away from the cargo bay. They first stop off at the bathroom, where Shinji coaxes Kaworu into washing his face and hands, and brushing his teeth, just in case. Then they sequester themselves in his--their?--private bunk for what Shinji hopes will be the rest of the night. Once Kaworu is sitting on the bed, Shinji actually kneels down to unlace Kaworu's shoes and tug off each of them. It feels nice to take care of Kaworu like this. Different, but nice.]

Socks on or off? [he asks, looking up with a smile.]

[paraclete]

[Though Kaworu's safely seated, he can feel the world pitching. His equilibrium has been betrayed completely by all the alcohol he drank, but it feels more like maybe the ship they're on is weaving through their black surroundings like a glossy dragonfly. Yeah, something skimming one of those marshes he's always wanted to visit. Kaworu can imagine himself as being miniscule enough to passenger the flight of a dragonfly. There are Lilin even littler than that. If Lilith had been his mother, would he be able to fit on a dragonfly's wing? Would he be something other than human?

But, kneeling, Shinji looks small, too. There's something wrong about it. Even addled, Kaworu can recognize that there's something wrong about Shinji being below him in this way. Groggy, trying to slog his way out of a dream, Kaworu thinks, I should be down there with him. No; He should be up here. But the primeval tickle in his belly likes the situation. Shinji's gentle hands. Shinji's face turned up towards him, the sweetest flower. Pretty eyes. Blue. They're blue. And attention, and care, and a warmth that Kaworu could bend and reach for.

He'll fall over if he bends. He knows that much. Still, when he moves, it's deliberately, with foggy but calculated movements through which he wobbles.] I don't care if they stay on, [he says, even as he maneuvers so that he's on the floor, first balancing on all fours, then scooting closer. After a moment, he's positioned so that his knees are close to Shinji's, and he straightens up and reaches out so he can take Shinji's face in both of his hands.] Don't be down here all by yourself. I won't let you. [For once, his hands are warm. His face is warm, too.] You were too far away when I was up there without you. [Some cultures believe that Hell is just an absence of God. In your presence there is fullness of joy. Hell denies that promise. Shinji's face was feet away from Kaworu's, and it felt colder than the moon. Now that they're together again, there's sunlight. He leans in even further, eyes bright.] Now I can look at your face closely and it's so pretty that I want to do it forever. And I can feel you. I want to do that forever, too. Leave my socks on, or take them off; it doesn't matter if I get to be like this with you.