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[It took some cajoling, but after a few days aboard the Heron, Shinji finally traded in his plugsuit for actual clothing. The utility jumpers aren't very fancy, but they're just as comfortable as any school uniform. At the moment, he's picking at one of the buttons, seemingly lost in his thoughts. (When Kaworu is active on the network, Shinji tries not to be; he's trying not to stalk Kaworu's online activity. He doesn't know if this is jealousy or insanity, but it sure is something.)]

--Huh?

[Of course he has a moment, but it's the suddenness that startles him. He sits up a little straighter, looking over at Kaworu.]

Sure. I mean, if you want to, it's fine. What is it?

[To settle his own nerves, Kaworu takes a quiet breath, first in, then out. He's trying to center himself. Looking at Shinji always centers him, but apparently that might not be an option anymore. Well, that's fine. If this is something that makes Shinji uncomfortable, Kaworu doesn't ever want to do it again anyway.

He locks his toes together, twists his feet. It's like he's wringing his hands. Is it possible for him to seem nervous? But he's mellow otherwise, at least. It's just his toes that try to betray him. That, and the slow, suspicious way he looks around the room. He knows that Asuka isn't in the bunk room right now, but he still feels compelled to check with his eyes and make sure. It would be humiliating for her to hear this. But, no, it's just Kaworu and Shinji...

Finally, he spits it out: ]

Does it bother you when I look at you? Does it bother you when I watch you do things?

[Shinji notices the lack of eye contact, and the scanning of the bunk room, but he doesn't think it's all that odd. There are certain things he won't say when Asuka is within earshot, either. In some respects, it's awful to keep Kaworu at arm's length... In others, he's just very glad to have her nearby. He can find an equilibrium between the two. Maybe.

The questions really throw him for a loop, though. He's caught off-guard. He's left staring at Kaworu, more and more concerned.]

Is... there a particular reason why you're asking?

I was discussing things with someone. They said earnestly that no one would want to be stared at. I didn't really understand, but they seemed really adamant. So, for you, I wanted to make sure...

[Again, this whole time, he stares at those socked toes. There's no stress in his voice, but his words to come tentatively, like he's trying to choose the right things to say, like he wants to convey something important. It's a weak feeling because he knows that Shinji perceives him as someone who's self-assured. The thought that he's been upsetting Shinji this whole time, though, has left Kaworu insecure.]

I didn't want to cross any boundaries. I didn't want to make you feel unpleasant. I'm sorry.

Well... [Shinji could easily tell a little white lie. Say that it's fine, and that it has always been fine. But he promised himself to always be honest with Kaworu. It's the least he can do, really, when he owes Kaworu so much. Equally tentative, he says,] You can look at me. I don't mind. In the beginning, I might've... answered differently, but that was before I knew you. I wasn't used to anyone looking at me like you did. Like you do.

[Like he was and still is a gift of creation. It was so disorienting when, sitting at the piano, he looked over his shoulder and saw this moon-pale boy blatantly admiring him.]

But I don't mind it now. I've come to expect it, if anything.

Edited 2016-02-07 10:21 (UTC)

I see. [At first, that's all he says, but now he wears an air of relief and a little smile, even as his eyes stay low.] Thank you.

[It takes a long moment of deliberation — almost long enough for Kaworu to talk himself out of it. But Shikinami did it before, and, brazen as it was, Kaworu's been hating himself for not doing the same thing. He'll do it now, then. Decisively, he tells himself: he'll do it now.

He lays his hand over Shinji's.]

I want you to let me know if I ever do anything to make you uncomfortable. If you tell me, I'll stop it, and I won't ever do it again, no matter what it is. We're friends, and I care about your comfort.

Edited 2016-02-07 10:32 (UTC)

You don't have to thank me... for... [That, he wants to say, if only he could speak around the lump in his throat. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Holding hands, that is. It isn't a big deal. Kaworu took his hand and showed him how to touch the keys. He took Kaworu's hand when he agreed to climb back into Eva. Asuka took his hand to lead him through the wasteland... Mere days ago, he took Asuka's hand, convincing her to stay with him. What's a hand, anyway? Five fingers and a palm. Thumb, index, middle, ring, the pinky. Flesh and blood. Boring. Definitely not the end of the world.

It still feels like a pair of tectonic plates locking into place. He swallows thickly, more than once.]

Kaworu-kun, the only thing you should do is... not take absolute statements so seriously. People as a whole can't agree on anything.

Edited 2016-02-07 10:57 (UTC)

[Any advice from Shinji is something to be folded up, kissed, and placed into a breast pocket, to be kept close to the heart. It should be held in a locket made of precious jewels. Plus, he's being permitted to gently touch Shinji's skin. Five fingers and a palm, flesh and blood. Beautiful. The structure of Shinji's hand should be acclaimed. And Kaworu is allowed to touch it. He wants to say thank you again.

Instead: ] I supposed this person might know more on the topic than I do.

[It's not a happy thing to admit. But since he's always thinking about Shinji, there are a lot of other things he hasn't had the mind for.]

Mm, or this person was just exaggerating to make a point. [But Shinji feels pang of guilt when he considers that. Kaworu didn't recognize an absolute statement for its hyperbole, right? Maybe it has to do with him being an Angel... Or, more than likely, it has to do with him not interacting with many people before now. The world was loitering on death's doorstep, and he was allied with an inner circle of assholes. Not much opportunity to converse.]

You're going to meet plenty of people who do that.

[Shinji should be happy for Kaworu. Ecstatic, even. Kaworu was brought back to life, then given access to hundreds of different vibrant personalities... Dull-eyed, Shinji looks down at their hands, already thinking about how outmatched he is. He, too, is fond of absolute statements: I'm not better than any of them.]

Edited 2016-02-07 13:01 (UTC)

Exaggeration... It's a little like lying, isn't it? [Which Kaworu won't judge anyone for, even if he's not partial to the idea himself. Lilin's creativity extends to molding the truth. But he isn't Lilin, and he can't partake in their habits. Even if he were a part of that, he'd never want to mislead Shinji anyway. Earnest as ever, he promises,] I won't ever exaggerate anything to you. I still want to be someone you can trust in. Even though...

[Kaworu's fingers curl over Shinji's hand, almost clutching, somewhat of a tether. A moment of that, and he draws his hand back and settles it back on the bed, only a couple of inches away from Shinji's. He doesn't want to be intrusive. He does want to try to catch Shinji's eye, but won't let himself do so.]

Even though I had upset you. I don't want to do that again. That's why I would have stopped watching you if you wanted me to.

Yeah, [says Shinji, as soft as chalk,] it's a little like lying. [He looks down at their hands, at how their hands are separating. Sudden revulsion does something to squeeze his stomach into a speck of acid that could burn straight through him. This is the hand he would have given anything to touch in the entry plug. It's the hand he wants to feel on his face again, steadying him, always reassuring him.

Kaworu won't let himself catch Shinji's eye, and Shinji doesn't bother to try. To the distance between their hands, he speaks slowly, faltering at times. He tends to breathe in odd places.]

I do trust you. You told me this is real, and I haven't seen... evidence to disprove that. But, Kaworu-kun, looking or not looking doesn't do anything to hurt me. If you want to look at me, then look at me. And... [Now there's a hint of challenge in his voice, firming up his mushy syllables.] If you want to hold my hand, then hold my hand. I'm not going to freak out.

Edited 2016-02-09 08:53 (UTC)

[It should be obvious that Nagisa Kaworu would fall in love with Ikari Shinji. There wasn't even a chance of anything otherwise. This, though — this? If Kaworu weren't already so far gone, this would be the breaking point. It's so bizarre that anyone could encounter this wonderful person and not be awash in love. Kaworu feels a tightness in his throat, and something inside him is coiling, a spiral like the whorl of a snail's shell. It's tepid. It's sticky. But it's not disgusting. Instead, feeling it now is a relief. Love is a compass, pointing him in the right direction. (It's his own fault that he's had trouble reading the map.)

He's wanted to hold Shinji's hand for years. For ages. But, here and now, Shinji's indulging the depth of a desire that Kaworu can't even fully convey. Actually, it's a little bit scary. It feels like Shinji can see through a secret and shameful part of him, even though he's not even looking at Kaworu... And even then, even then, Kaworu luxuriates in the offer. Slowly, he reaches down and takes Shinji's hand, bringing it up and then folding it into both of his own, secretly greedy. He's cradling it like an oyster bearing a pearl.]

I'm happy that I was fated to have a friend like you. Thank you.

[It's not right to hold Shinji's hand for his own comfort, instead of offering it himself as a reassurance, but he's doing it anyway. Shinji deserves better. He's given Kaworu's life so much meaning, and Kaworu hasn't been able to do anything in return. But touch feels so good.]

Edited 2016-02-09 09:40 (UTC)

[Five fingers and a palm. Thumb, index, middle, ring, the pinky. Flesh and blood. Boring. Definitely not the end of the world. So, why does Kaworu have that eschatonic look on his face? Shinji can only see Kaworu's expression in his peripheral vision, but what he's seeing is enough to know. Kaworu looks like someone who would be happy to die in this instant. Everything Kaworu could ever want--everything he could ever need--can be found in the somewhat clammy flesh of a boy named Ikari Shinji. That much is evidence. Not evidence that this isn't real, but it's evidence of something else that has haunted Shinji. He's been with Kaworu for a few months now, while Kaworu...

Kaworu has been with him for a lot longer than that.

Shinji can't get a good look at the truth. Like a trompe-l'œil, it requires an open mind and a certain perspective to see what's going on. He's afraid to turn his head too far in any direction. He's afraid to point out what's obvious, because it might fall apart as soon as it does. Instinct, or something like it, is telling him there are things he shouldn't find out.

He's weak and mushy again when he says,] I'm the last person you should be thankful for.

Edited 2016-02-09 10:51 (UTC)

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