however, we haven't had an earthquake lately.

[astrobleme]

Kaworu-kun, you've got a...

[It's the smallest flyaway tuft of a dandelion seed, and it's nearly invisible against Kaworu's grey hair. Shinji uses his thumb and forefinger, delicately pinched together, to remove the tuft without disturbing a strand. At the moment, they're sitting together near the pocket-sized garden of dandelions, tiny flowers, and grass that Kaworu showed him a while ago. It was more peaceful back then, before NERV started attacking them regularly. Shinji relishes the downtime as much as possible.]

There. All better.

[An increasingly irate Captain Katsuragi told him that he shouldn't spend so much time with Kaworu. She doesn't like what she's seeing, what she can't seem to police well: two social pariahs falling together like down feathers. They're each wearing the same painful collar around each of their necks. Each breathing the same miasma of fear and hatred, except when they're with each other. WILLE doesn't trust the all-powerful Angel among them, which is why they don't trust the sway he seems to have over Shinji.

But Shinji thinks they're just freaking stupid. Kaworu is genuinely kind to him, definitely fun to be around. It's so much fun that they've stayed up all night just talking sometimes, just talking about everything, until he falls asleep on Kaworu's shoulder. It isn't hard to relax after Kaworu has proven that he can keep him safe. He's feeling pretty relaxed right now, when he lowers his hand and the tuft with it.]

Mm, wait, there's also...

[Something stuck on Kaworu's face, apparently. Shinji touches that white cheek, brushes off the maybe-imaginary speck, and then he leans in and kisses Kaworu on the lips. It's an entirely fluid motion from beginning to end. He doesn't wonder about why he's doing it, other than to think that Kaworu's serenading has worked.]

Comments

[paraclete]

[Kaworu at first seems lost in thought, studiously watching Shinji's face as though he has found sheet music or scripture, some intricate language he's trying to parse. Whatever he's reading has caught his attention to the point that nothing outside interferes with his eyes. His eyes move here, then there, examining the round of Shinji's nose, the dip then rise of his lips... These lines are familiar to Kaworu, the same boyish features each time, but every iteration is special, too. Shinji's face is special. Nobody could have expected for a fearsome Angel to be blindsided by someone so lovely. No one could have known what would happen when Kaworu was presented with a human face to watch and love.]

It's not just you.

[His voice is marine layer, a soft atmosphere at dawn, just before the warm and sun of day. He strokes Shinji's face, first just with his thumb, then curling all fingers down the side of Shinji's jaw, up over his chin, and onto his lips. Kaworu touches the offer of that warmth with his fingertips as its own sort of kiss. He's testing the plush with the kindness of Androcles toward his lion. Could be he's testing boundaries, too. His touches are as light as the bone of a bird — he doesn't press at all — but he remembers a time when this was too close. He wants to know, this time, what his hands would have to do in order to disgust Shinji. In the past, Shinji had learned to accept his hands, but he'd never sought them out specifically. This evening, though, he's leaned in close. He's asked, "What does Kaworu-kun want to do?" And Kaworu can see his tongue and teeth when he speaks.]

It's not just you, [he says again. He lifts his hand to Shinji's forehead, to brush aside the hair there.] You were thinking about it? About me? [And whatever cadence or religion he sees in Shinji's features must be overwhelming, because Kaworu lowers his eyes.] That makes me happy, you know... [But those words come on one final breath, because it's Kaworu, this time, who draws their distance to an end, and he kisses with a delicacy, with a warmth. Not practiced, exactly, but familiar and with glad tidings, like homecoming. He knows to relax his fingers at the side of Shinji's hair, and to kiss him with a lift of his chin, pressing up just so, like he's raising his hands palm-up during a time of worship or a dance for rain. When he's finished, his eyes are closed in rapture.]

I think about you, too. [He opens his eyes, two vivid red spaces like overfull hearts.] All the time.

[astrobleme]

[The fear of rejection should be the least of his fears, but Shinji can't deny how relieved and reassured he feels now. As always, as always, Kaworu knows just what to say to put Shinji's heart at ease. They've both wanted the same thing. They both want to do the same thing to each other. Shinji wants to ask how long it's been, how long since Kaworu has started feeling this way about him. He wants to know what he did to earn the special inclination of such a beautiful person. It couldn't have been when he got himself locked in Kaworu's cramped locker. Or when he crouched in front of some plants and weakly asked them to keep trying for Kaworu's sake. Or when he woke up from a spree of nightmares, disoriented, crying like a baby, with Kaworu waiting beside him. He feels like he's always stumbling everywhere and Kaworu keeps smiling at him in spite of it.]

I can't stop thinking about you, [he admits, stumbling again, his voice cracking within a syllable.] About the both of us, together, and... and... [His throat tightens from realized surprise and indecision. Everything else seems to unfold in slow motion: Kaworu's mouth meeting his, lips to lips, breaths getting tangled. It feels incredibly different when Kaworu is the one kissing him instead of being kissed. It's less like sharing a harmless secret and more like a hand gripping his heart, squeezing it as hard as possible. It hurts. It's weirdly nostalgic, too. Kaworu is cradling him like Hikoboshi would with Orihime-sama for the first time in many years of rainy rivers. (Shinji really loves that story.) The pain is nostalgic, tragic, mostly exquisite, and he's hungry for all the more of it.

But the kiss dwindles down, and Shinji is left shivering helplessly in his seat. He might as well have walked out of a scalding hot shower into the depths of a blizzard. Two conflicting thoughts jockey for attention in his mind: What are we doing? and then Why didn't we do this sooner? Little by little, he becomes aware of how his fingers have found Kaworu, too, holding on to him with none of the gentleness that Kaworu observes. The texture of Kaworu's shirt is harsh and unwelcome and he's clutching an insistent handful of it anyway. He knows that he can be clingy, obnoxiously needy, but this is a whole other level for him. He doesn't want to let go of Kaworu, either. There's no reason to let go, so he isn't going to let go. If the Wunder's klaxons sound the alarm, then maybe he could let go, but that hasn't happened...

He has kept his eyes open, which is why he's closing them now. He's trying to collect himself. He wants more. He has to collect himself. He wants everything, whatever that means for them; he doesn't know that Kaworu would deny him.

It's amazing how so little can represent so much:]

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