however, we haven't had an earthquake lately.

[astrobleme]

Kaworu-kun, you've got a...

[It's the smallest flyaway tuft of a dandelion seed, and it's nearly invisible against Kaworu's grey hair. Shinji uses his thumb and forefinger, delicately pinched together, to remove the tuft without disturbing a strand. At the moment, they're sitting together near the pocket-sized garden of dandelions, tiny flowers, and grass that Kaworu showed him a while ago. It was more peaceful back then, before NERV started attacking them regularly. Shinji relishes the downtime as much as possible.]

There. All better.

[An increasingly irate Captain Katsuragi told him that he shouldn't spend so much time with Kaworu. She doesn't like what she's seeing, what she can't seem to police well: two social pariahs falling together like down feathers. They're each wearing the same painful collar around each of their necks. Each breathing the same miasma of fear and hatred, except when they're with each other. WILLE doesn't trust the all-powerful Angel among them, which is why they don't trust the sway he seems to have over Shinji.

But Shinji thinks they're just freaking stupid. Kaworu is genuinely kind to him, definitely fun to be around. It's so much fun that they've stayed up all night just talking sometimes, just talking about everything, until he falls asleep on Kaworu's shoulder. It isn't hard to relax after Kaworu has proven that he can keep him safe. He's feeling pretty relaxed right now, when he lowers his hand and the tuft with it.]

Mm, wait, there's also...

[Something stuck on Kaworu's face, apparently. Shinji touches that white cheek, brushes off the maybe-imaginary speck, and then he leans in and kisses Kaworu on the lips. It's an entirely fluid motion from beginning to end. He doesn't wonder about why he's doing it, other than to think that Kaworu's serenading has worked.]

Comments

[paraclete]

[In most things, Kaworu does as the Captain tells him to. It causes less friction, which is a necessity when living among Lilin's kind, but aside from that, it's just easier on Kaworu's mind. Directions are better to digest. When NERV brings an assault, Makinami Mari Illustrious is usually assigned as his support fire: she can snipe whatever he doesn't catch. That's also a necessity. If something happens too quickly, Kaworu doesn't know how to react.

His atmosphere is all adoration even as Shinji gives his hair the barest touch. To be so close to the soul he loves above all else has made every day more of a miracle than the last. And then, another touch, this time more than minimal. The reality of the action doesn't register at first. If something happens too quickly, Kaworu doesn't know...]

Oh, thank...

[Click. Whir. Kaworu had been smiling when Shinji kissed him — is that what happened? — but it thins and melts like a legendary springtime, a momentary memory of the world before his birth. The realization in his face, too, is growing like the green of May. Did I lean in? he's asking himself. No. He's been staying still. Then...?]

Shinji-kun.

[His face is imploring — he's still trying to understand what just happened. He wasn't planning on kissing Shinji. It wouldn't be right to approach him like that when the imbalance between them is so great. There were times when all he wanted to do was press his skin to Shinji's skin, to mouth words of praise against his shoulders... To kiss his mouth. And Kaworu has learned what it is to be a lover, but those moments only ever preceded failure. Trust, now, is more of a priority. So it's wrong that he chose to kiss Shinji now of all times...

Some more clicking — an idea's sticking. It's something that seems unfathomable, but it's the only thing that jives with reality right now. Shinji touched him, and then, according to what Kaworu saw, it was Shinji who leaned forward. Therefore — this thought is the foundation of a mountain. Kaworu shifts in his seat just slightly, and reaches across their small distance to rest his white hand over Shinji's. The dawn comes: Shinji kissed him.]

Shinji-kun...

[He's looking at this boy's face like the ocean has turned blue again.]

[astrobleme]

[... mmmaybe Shinji should have stopped and asked for permission first. Woefully inexperienced, he doesn't know what exactly is happening on Kaworu's face in odd stops and starts. His expression has a lot in common with surprise, or disbelief. Maybe it's more like denial. But there's something else going on, some ripple of light and then heat, that tells Shinji he shouldn't start panicking just yet.

Pleasant nervousness blooms inside his chest, in his stomach, like so many flowers that could create fields to blanket the Earth as before. He's self-conscious enough to laugh quietly, but not to push himself up and away, out of the vernal mystique. Sharing a kiss with Kaworu doesn't feel that much different than when they've whispered harmless secrets to each other. Shinji recently revealed that he used to have a lot of trouble tying his shoelaces. Velcro was his best friend when he was a little kid.

Their hands are touching, aren't they, which must be Kaworu's contribution. Its own form of encouragement.]

It's not like I know what I'm doing, [he points out, and his smile is fond, a bit watery.] I don't see any reason to be speechless... [Unless, of course, that was Kaworu's very first kiss with a human being. Shinji actually feels a chilling jolt down his spine when he considers that: Angels may understand love, even affection, but do they know the first thing about this? Such speculation is kind of maybe more than a bit worrisome. Even so, Kaworu seems more surprised about the kiss than he does violated.]

Kaworu-kun...

["Are you okay?" "Did you hate it?" "Do you think that I didn't mean it?" The possibilities paralyze his tongue, but not his slightly chapped lips: he's leaning in for another gentle kiss. The least he can do is prove that he's serious.]

[paraclete]

[With further time and the blessing of Shinji's sweetness, Kaworu's surprise moves into marvel. He's wondering at the softness of Shinji's voice, of his mouth. This feels like the first time Tabris was touched without gloves. It feels like a man's first intimate moment with his god. There's a spread of warmth smoothing over the otherwise cool of Kaworu's face. Yes, Shinji's smile is fond and watery. Who has ever looked at Kaworu this way? Who ever would? During more hedonistic times, in the expanse of his doomed youth, Kaworu approached Shinji and was pleased to bask in his adolescent blush. He was pleased to stir him, with words or his physical tongue... The first time he found Shinji waiting for him, he realized that they could kiss and link their fingers. That he didn't need to make excuses while Shinji was out of sorts. Shinji... When did he become something other than Ikari, an exhausted animal in a steel trap? Kaworu can't remember. He can't remember the first time he touched Ikari's face and instead saw Shinji's eyes blinking blue. When they both cycled air without wheezing... And the next kiss frees him of memory completely. This is entirely new. This is Shinji's agency, his longing instead of his disgust. This is what a human's mouth feels like when he desires something.]

You want to kiss me? [he asks tenderly, cautiously, when the second kiss has ended. Like it's too much to hope for, even when Shinji has already done it twice. It occurs to him that he has kissed; but he has never been kissed before this. He has never been stunned by the touch of the one he loves. How does Shinji not know how striking he is?

With one hand still over Shinji's, he raises his other palm to cradle the side of Shinji's face. A warm face... Flesh and blood and yearning... Kaworu's eyes are burning from the beauty. He holds Shinji's cheek like a fruit holds its seeds.] Is that what you want? [He's like a man standing in front of a gate, and the gate is ready to open, but he's barring its way. His face is tilted: they could kiss again, nudging noses, brushing against each other and then into each other. But Kaworu can't move until he knows that Shinji isn't simply misguided.]

[astrobleme]

[As scary as it would be, Shinji wishes he had the ability to read Kaworu's mind. It would answer all of the questions he has about the unique look on Kaworu's face. Probably it's safe to assume that a kiss for Kaworu is more meaningful than it is for most people. There isn't just the difference of their species to contend with, but their circumstances, their surroundings. (The fact they're both boys is at the very bottom of the list. He'll care about being not-straight when the world isn't screaming.) If Misato-san found out about this back-hallway rendezvous, she would never ever approve of it. I don't need her approval, Shinji thinks, then, surprising himself with his own fierceness. It used to be that he lived to hear a kind word from his elders...

But this is about Kaworu, about wanting to kiss Nagisa Kaworu, not what could have been.]

You're going to make me say it...?

[Shinji doesn't wilt. He isn't shrinking or retreating. To put it simply, he's more hesitant with his words than he is with getting things done. A kiss can involve technique and finesse, yeah, subtle movements to learn like piloting Eva, but it's ultimately the joining up of two mouths. Spoken words, on the other hand, have so many more pitfalls and places to screw up. The infinite potential for error. If he were to say the wrong thing... that would be a lot worse than an awkward kiss...

At least it's steadying, still encouraging, to have Kaworu touching his flushed cheek. It feels like Kaworu isn't planning to cruelly reject his overtures, either way. If Shinji makes an effort, maybe he can coax the correct words into crawling out of his heart.]

Y-Yeah. I want that. I've... For a while now, I've wanted to. [Is it that unbelievable? That alarming? They were made to drift into each other's orbits; they haven't spent more than a few days without each other.] But... [This is the hardest part. It's really the hardest part of all, but the vulnerability in Kaworu's eyes convinces him to keep going.] But what about you? What does Kaworu-kun want to do? [He breaks his own bitter vows, yet again, when he smiles shyly.] No point if it's just me...

[paraclete]

[Kaworu at first seems lost in thought, studiously watching Shinji's face as though he has found sheet music or scripture, some intricate language he's trying to parse. Whatever he's reading has caught his attention to the point that nothing outside interferes with his eyes. His eyes move here, then there, examining the round of Shinji's nose, the dip then rise of his lips... These lines are familiar to Kaworu, the same boyish features each time, but every iteration is special, too. Shinji's face is special. Nobody could have expected for a fearsome Angel to be blindsided by someone so lovely. No one could have known what would happen when Kaworu was presented with a human face to watch and love.]

It's not just you.

[His voice is marine layer, a soft atmosphere at dawn, just before the warm and sun of day. He strokes Shinji's face, first just with his thumb, then curling all fingers down the side of Shinji's jaw, up over his chin, and onto his lips. Kaworu touches the offer of that warmth with his fingertips as its own sort of kiss. He's testing the plush with the kindness of Androcles toward his lion. Could be he's testing boundaries, too. His touches are as light as the bone of a bird — he doesn't press at all — but he remembers a time when this was too close. He wants to know, this time, what his hands would have to do in order to disgust Shinji. In the past, Shinji had learned to accept his hands, but he'd never sought them out specifically. This evening, though, he's leaned in close. He's asked, "What does Kaworu-kun want to do?" And Kaworu can see his tongue and teeth when he speaks.]

It's not just you, [he says again. He lifts his hand to Shinji's forehead, to brush aside the hair there.] You were thinking about it? About me? [And whatever cadence or religion he sees in Shinji's features must be overwhelming, because Kaworu lowers his eyes.] That makes me happy, you know... [But those words come on one final breath, because it's Kaworu, this time, who draws their distance to an end, and he kisses with a delicacy, with a warmth. Not practiced, exactly, but familiar and with glad tidings, like homecoming. He knows to relax his fingers at the side of Shinji's hair, and to kiss him with a lift of his chin, pressing up just so, like he's raising his hands palm-up during a time of worship or a dance for rain. When he's finished, his eyes are closed in rapture.]

I think about you, too. [He opens his eyes, two vivid red spaces like overfull hearts.] All the time.

[astrobleme]

[The fear of rejection should be the least of his fears, but Shinji can't deny how relieved and reassured he feels now. As always, as always, Kaworu knows just what to say to put Shinji's heart at ease. They've both wanted the same thing. They both want to do the same thing to each other. Shinji wants to ask how long it's been, how long since Kaworu has started feeling this way about him. He wants to know what he did to earn the special inclination of such a beautiful person. It couldn't have been when he got himself locked in Kaworu's cramped locker. Or when he crouched in front of some plants and weakly asked them to keep trying for Kaworu's sake. Or when he woke up from a spree of nightmares, disoriented, crying like a baby, with Kaworu waiting beside him. He feels like he's always stumbling everywhere and Kaworu keeps smiling at him in spite of it.]

I can't stop thinking about you, [he admits, stumbling again, his voice cracking within a syllable.] About the both of us, together, and... and... [His throat tightens from realized surprise and indecision. Everything else seems to unfold in slow motion: Kaworu's mouth meeting his, lips to lips, breaths getting tangled. It feels incredibly different when Kaworu is the one kissing him instead of being kissed. It's less like sharing a harmless secret and more like a hand gripping his heart, squeezing it as hard as possible. It hurts. It's weirdly nostalgic, too. Kaworu is cradling him like Hikoboshi would with Orihime-sama for the first time in many years of rainy rivers. (Shinji really loves that story.) The pain is nostalgic, tragic, mostly exquisite, and he's hungry for all the more of it.

But the kiss dwindles down, and Shinji is left shivering helplessly in his seat. He might as well have walked out of a scalding hot shower into the depths of a blizzard. Two conflicting thoughts jockey for attention in his mind: What are we doing? and then Why didn't we do this sooner? Little by little, he becomes aware of how his fingers have found Kaworu, too, holding on to him with none of the gentleness that Kaworu observes. The texture of Kaworu's shirt is harsh and unwelcome and he's clutching an insistent handful of it anyway. He knows that he can be clingy, obnoxiously needy, but this is a whole other level for him. He doesn't want to let go of Kaworu, either. There's no reason to let go, so he isn't going to let go. If the Wunder's klaxons sound the alarm, then maybe he could let go, but that hasn't happened...

He has kept his eyes open, which is why he's closing them now. He's trying to collect himself. He wants more. He has to collect himself. He wants everything, whatever that means for them; he doesn't know that Kaworu would deny him.

It's amazing how so little can represent so much:]

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