it is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji had no idea that silences could be this warm, this comfortable. They were just laughing quietly about something a few seconds ago--the showers flooding again--harmless mayhem with WILLE--but their words have subsided. It doesn't feel awkward to exist here, though, in silence, in the same bed, lying more or less parallel. It's gotten pretty late, and they should be in their separate quarters, but Kaworu is keeping him company on another sleepless night.]

Hey, Kaworu-kun...

[Between chronic insomnia and the Wunder's lack of windows, Shinji honestly doesn't know how many days he's been trapped here. The date and time on his cell phone seem unreal to him every time he looks at them.]

How long have we known each other?

[It's been long enough that he doesn't hesitate too much before he touches his hand to Kaworu's cheek. Incidental affection had been terrifying to begin with, because he didn't understand why anyone, much less an Angel, would want to touch him. Now it's just... a fact of life, like the red of Kaworu's eyes that he's tracing under. It goes both ways, too, obviously, understated but firm. Sharing affection with Kaworu is the least unreal thing about being here.]

Comments

[paraclete]

[With Shinji's warm fingertips at the crest of Kaworu's cheek, Kaworu's eyes are soft and open like a waking morning glory. If you've ever seen the face of anyone who's in love, you would know what he is feeling just by seeing him now. Every day that they stay together and know each other, it gets more obvious: Kaworu's face is the face of someone who's in love. Despite how easy it is to read his features, he says it a little more subtly. 'It's chilly,' or, 'I'll stay.' He buttons Shinji's coat. He stays at Shinji's bedside.

Or he lies beside him in the bed, like he's doing now, skin cool but eyes warm like afternoon. Just that hand beneath his eye, just that Kaworu-kun, and he could melt like vanilla ice cream. But he's able to stay alert and together, because Shinji wants to know...]

Well, [he says, partly stalling; contrary to Shinji's own belief, Kaworu doesn't always know how to navigate his words, particularly when he has to worry about Shinji's fragility.] I want to say that I've known you for my entire life. I feel like my life began when I met you.

[astrobleme]

[Answering a question without actually answering it... If anyone knows how to do that, it's Nagisa Kaworu-kun, the master of propitiation. Shinji thinks this kind of ambiguity would be beyond frustrating to experience with anyone else. He doesn't want to be placated--he wants to know what he's done, and how long it's been, and what's going to happen next. But Kaworu has a way of lulling him with loving words and phrases.

Still, the time and date on his cell phone can't be right.] That's what you always say, [he murmurs, even though that's the first time Kaworu has said it.] I mean it. I really want to know how long we've known each other. [It's strange to feel so calm about this; he's chalking it up to how he hasn't slept for real in more than a week. Most people would be dead on their feet by now, if not literally dead. Hallucinations are supposed to set in after 72 hours. But what he has seen couldn't be defined as a byproduct of his mind.

His fingers shift a little, flowing into Kaworu's soft hair. It's short. It used to be longer.]

Do you know?

[paraclete]

[That's an interesting choice of words for Shinji to make. Could even be called strange. It's true that this isn't the only time Kaworu's said similar things to Shinji, but this should be the first time this incarnation of Ikari Shinji has heard it. Unless the lifetimes are bleeding together for Kaworu — unless he's gotten sloppy... But Shinji's soft remark is just out of place enough for Kaworu to watch him closely.

It's why he decides to say,] I don't know how long it's been. [That's innocuous enough — time spent with the AAA Wunder and her paling crew passes strangely, with little sun, barely any starlight. But Shinji's hand is gentle in his hair, which feels wonderful, and Shinji's breath comes warm and even... which also feels wonderful. And Kaworu is tired. Not in the way Shinji's Lilin body must be, although he hasn't slept since Shinji last was able. Rather, he's weary from the weight of time and keeping quiet.]

Well, [he says again, and brings his hand up to settle his fingertips at the side of Shinji's chin. With an odd and syrupy sympathy in his voice, he admits,] I've known you for a very long time.

[astrobleme]

[A very long time. That's confirmation, isn't it? That has to be confirmation... for the things he's seen and heard and dreamed of without dreaming. Shinji is tired, too. Not just physically. Not just mentally, even. He doesn't know how to describe this feeling, other than to say it's immense. A black hole couldn't crush him as perfectly as his exhaustion is crushing him now. He's less than a speck of matter. He still doesn't understand why Kaworu is touching him.]

Isn't that-- [He hesitates, then, or maybe he's slowing his breath.] --sort of a sad thing? Neither of us knows how long it's been. [Kaworu's neck is white and fragile. Touching it feels unforgivable, but he's touching it anyway, checking on a pulse that isn't essential. Angels are simply humans that have decided to live differently. Because of their differences, they aren't meant to coexist...

Not that you'd know it by looking at the two of them. But Shinji has to accept that he's going to find a way to fuck it up. He didn't know how much of a failure he was until this last sleepless week of not-hallucinations.

His voice is murky, undefinable, when he says,] Maybe that means it's been too long.