astrobleme | driftfleet ic contact. (audio, video, text, action.)

What's the matter?

[Eloquently:]

?

You seem upset.

[Somehow. Given that Kaworu is on an entirely different ship, this could come off as strange. But Kaworu doesn't care about or even consider that, and instead carries on: ]

What's on your mind?

[That doesn't make an iota of sense, but Shinji isn't in the mood to question it. He's too busy hyperventilating even though he doesn't need to breathe. Too busy wondering what would happen if he ripped out his own ungodly eyes with a fork or a trowel or an ice cream scoop.]

I'm fine.

I see...

[He pauses here, but then, after another minute,]

You know, you can always talk to me about anything. Even if you don't think it's important, I find everything you think about to be important.

[Shinji is too busy hyperventilating. Shinji is too busy wondering about self-mutilation. Shinji is too busy driving his head against the mirror in the bathroom. Shinji is too busy ripping out his hair by the handfuls. Shinji is too busy to pick up his communicator that's still sitting in his bedroom. Shinji is just too busy right now to do any typing, which begs the question:

How the fuck is he answering these texts?]

Maybe I'm tired of thinking about things.

Edited 2016-06-21 04:47 (UTC)

[In a case like this, Kaworu's got to be a little creative. Or, he has to utilize whatever passes as creativity for an Angel.]

Maybe. But a few things come to my mind that might still be nice for you to think about.

[He almost launches into a speech, here — the nature of man is to be deep in thought; one cannot escape the walls of his own mind, but one can at least fashion those walls himself; usually, a person who doesn't want to think, simply doesn't want to think about the bad things. These are all true, but...

Kaworu has the feeling that a speech like that isn't what Shinji needs right now.

...]

Thinking about nothing isn't restful, either. I've seen you help someone out of this feeling before; maybe I can use what I learned from that, and apply it to you. Do you mind if I try?

[Shinji shoves his head against the mirror again. The pain is surprisingly short-lived, and that's distressing on its own. He growls incoherently at his frightened reflection. He's practically drooling all over himself from fear and rage and more fear on top of that. Whatever Kaworu wants to say, there's no way it's going to help--or at least that's how it feels right now. But he doesn't want Kaworu to actually come over here and find out what's going on with him, so he has to say something affirming.]

Might as well give it a shot.

[Somehow, it's like Kaworu's watching something he loves be jolted around in a glass jar. The something has been captured, shoved into a little container, and is being shaken furiously. Things can die if they're rattled like that. Things can get hurt. Shinji, he's always getting hurt.

...]

Actually, the first song whose name I ever knew was Ode to Joy. In the beginning, I just thought it was an interesting thing. But I began to think more about it later on. I realized it was something I really liked... So I researched its composer. I wanted to know what sort of person could create a thing I liked. I'll tell you a fact I was pleased with. He thought he was born two years later than his actual birth date; and even when the real year was proven, he didn't want to accept it. It seems he was a stubborn man. So, I found out that the person who created a thing I liked was stubborn.

[This isn't the most impressive anecdote in the world, to be honest. But Shinji is always desperate to learn more about Kaworu, so he stops slamming himself against the mirror and instead focuses on the words. He tries to breathe in--practice makes perfect--right?--but he doesn't have any luck with that.]

What are you trying to say? You like stubborn people?

[A surge of bile, right on time. Shinji's stubbornness is very much responsible for Kaworu's death.]

Edited 2016-07-21 16:25 (UTC)

There's merit in being stubborn. There's also merit in demurring. But I'm trying to say that I had not thought much about stubbornness before that.

I ended up becoming a really stubborn person, too...

I was perhaps at my most stubborn when I first invited you to the piano.

[Or else when he took the choker, but the goal here isn't to talk about that. He's trying to celebrate.]

Was it worth it?

[Shinji can't remember why he decided to come down from his lonely perch and talk to Kaworu. He only wanted to confront his father, at most... But the next thing he knew, he was sitting in front of a piano. So weird.]

After everything I've done to hurt

you do you think it was worth it?

Would you do it again?

Edited 2016-07-21 19:45 (UTC)

[Never mind that he's already done it. Never mind the countless times. All those failures and all that hope, never mind any of it. The question is: would he do it again— After this? After spending all this time with Shinji, and everything they've been through together? If all that were taken away, retracted by the hand of fate or whatever else he preaches, could Kaworu do all of that over; could he go back to starving after months of heavenly manna? It'd be different than picking up after death. It would actually be the truest death of all — the closest he'd ever come would amount to nothing. Worse than nothing. He wouldn't deserve another try. But...]

I would do it again.

When I talk about stubbornness, I'm talking about my heart. There's no way to stop it from being in love with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend... Now that I know what it's like, I'd do it all over just to feel it again.

It doesn't matter what happens. If you're tired of thinking, or if we have to start from the very beginning, Nagisa Kaworu loves Ikari Shinji. Past and present and future. Beethoven was stubborn enough to make music when he was frightened, and angry, and fully deaf. I promise you I will be even more diligent than that.

You are worth anything.

[...

Maybe sent too rapidly to come from his fingers:]

I don't understand how you're not tired of this yet

Being in love with me has to be the most stressful thing ever

I'm constantly falling apart all over the place and you're constantly picking up the pieces

and I don't even say thank you half of the time

ungrateful selfish coward

[...]

I'm sorry. Thank you.

You deserve a reward, Kaworu-kun.

You deserve a lot more than I'm giving you...

[Momentarily, Kaworu can't even hope to comment. He feels like a liar; he feels like he's deceiving Shinji, leading him to believe that Kaworu is something false, something good. He has to stop his mind from sending Sorry over the communicator — it's his gut reaction. Sorry. I'm sorry to fool you like this. I don't deserve even half of what you give me now. I don't deserve anything. He really doesn't. At the very least, he should have been able to prevent whatever's happened to Shinji right now. Yet...]

You're the one who deserves more.

You make me very happy, Shinji-kun.

Kaworu-kun...

[Shinji doesn't understand how they can be on the same wavelength except for this one simple thing: Ikari Shinji doesn't deserve anything. Still, like the selfish ungrateful coward he is, he asks,]

Can I sleep with you tonight?

[Usually, Kaworu sleeps over with him, but Shinji wants to get away from this stupid ship with its stupid homicidal maniac.]

Not right now, but when I'm [...] not as much of a mess. [When his eyes aren't blood-red abominations, at the very least. It could be that they'll never change back to normal and he'll have to quarantine himself in his room forever and ever... He tries to focus on the idea of falling asleep in Kaworu's arms, with Kaworu's fingers in his hair. He could fall asleep to Kaworu telling him more harmless things about himself.] It did help, though. Your story about Beethoven. Thank you.

Edited 2016-07-24 04:30 (UTC)

You can come to me whenever you need to. If you feel like a mess, or if you feel better, you can come. Any time.

[As if a stupid story about Kaworu's stupid self could be enough... But he wanted to say anything he could to give Shinji something to think about. It was much easier to feel like he had answers when his short time with Shinji followed a fairly predictable path. Atroma has introduced so many unknowns. Anyway,]

You don't have to thank me for talking to you. We're friends. I like it.

Okay.

I like it, too.

[Thirty minutes later, Shinji lightly knocks on Kaworu's door, his eyes trained on his feet. He's wearing the usual in sleepwear: a white T-shirt, grey sweatpants, and a fuzzy maroon blanket that's draped over his shoulders. He's tired. His eyes are blue, no longer aglow, but he's very tired. He wants nothing more than to crawl into Kaworu's bed and hide his face against Kaworu's chest.]

Kaworu-kun, it's me, [he says, as if Kaworu doesn't already know that. His voice has the qualities of a weak gruel, all thin and wet.]

Edited 2016-07-24 09:18 (UTC)

[Of course Kaworu already knows it — he knows it the moment Shinji steps onto the Vanquish — but he's patient as Lilin's God. The knocking, though, is a blessing, a herald of hope: Kaworu will get to see him. To lay hands on him, even. All he has to do is open the door, and Shinji will be there. What an amazing piece of knowledge.

He opens it without any flourishes, just smiling warmly, just stepping aside so Shinji has room to enter. His bed is visible. Every blanket and sheet he has is piled around the edges of the bunk, creating a soft and enclosed center; and there are even articles of clothing tucked into place, the softest shirts Kaworu owns. It looks like a mess, but a calculated one. More and more, in fact, it looks like a nest, of all things, of course prepared especially for Shinji.]

Please come in, [Kaworu says, warm syrup to Shinji's gruel.] I'm glad you came.

I'm sorry it was on such short... notice... [Shinji pauses for a moment, refocusing on the nest-shaped mess of a bed. It's kind of--well, maybe it's annoying--he's on this side of fastidious, so he isn't partial to an unmade bed. At the same time, that mess looks like it's comfortable as all heck. Endearing, too. Kaworu is trying very hard to please him.

No point in hesitating now. He smiles faintly as he slips out of his shoes. He crosses over to Kaworu's nest, then crawls to the center of it, sinking down into its layers. It's sculpted for comfort, that much is obvious. And it smells like Kaworu, which is probably the best part. Just one deep inhale helps to untangle the knot lodged between his shoulder blades.]

Hey... [He stretches out, laying his head on one of the pillows. He peers at Kaworu.] How did you know something was going on? [Kaworu is many things, all of them astounding, but he can't be prescient or omniscient or anything like that.]

Don't be sorry, [Kaworu says while he shuts the door.] It's as I said before: any time. [He navigates the short way to the bed, the nest — he's definitely less fastidious than Shinji. His room isn't a disaster area, but it seems like he may not put things "away"; perhaps he feels they're already where they're supposed to be.

At any rate, once Kaworu reaches the bed, he doesn't immediately set himself upon it, like Shinji does. Instead he makes minute adjustments to the nest, little shifts here and there that probably seem inconsequential. But he's trying to make Shinji as comfortable as possible. That should be clear in how he tucks linens carefully close around Shinji's body. He's looking down at his hands against bed sheets, smiling slightly, when he answers.] I had a feeling. I'm always thinking about you, so it's natural for me to wonder if you're well or unwell.

[Bleh. He'll be sorry if he wants to be sorry... Admittedly, it's hard to feel sorry for himself when Kaworu is treating him like a precious, one-of-a-kind egg. Kaworu has a hundred times the loyalty of an albatross. Like he said, his heart is very stubborn. Shinji's smile peeks more and more into view with that in mind.]

A feeling, huh... [He brushes his hand against Kaworu's, over the back of it, then across a smooth forearm. He lifts it up higher, a bit awkward, more so urgent and earnest, until his fingertips are teasing Kaworu's pale cheek.] What are you feeling right now? [Moving on, he fondly tugs at one of Kaworu's lengthier locks of hair. The both of them, they're in need of haircuts at this point, but Shinji doesn't trust himself with a pair of scissors. Besides, Kaworu doesn't look so bad with his hair falling into his eyes like that. It adds more mystery to his face. A certain allure that only Nagisa Kaworu can possess.]

[To be touched by Shinji is to feel sunlight after years in darkness. It has the potential to scald, but Kaworu doesn't care. He welcomes it. He welcomes anything Shinji has to offer. His eyes shut when Shinji touches his face, his hair. You don't have to be so gentle, he thinks, and his smile has melted into something less magnanimous, though it's something he's internalizing. But that's remedied once he opens his eyes again, and looks at Shinji's face. His gaze gains the softness of a sandy shore.]

I'm feeling happy to be with you. Happy to have you here. [His hands settle against the bed, but he's still leaning down. Gently, he says,] And concerned for you.

[Kaworu's been thinking about getting a trim for a while now. He doesn't want to look in the mirror and see an edge of unfortunate youth. He's left those parts of himself behind, he'd like to think. Seeing Shinji this way, on the other hand, is special. Shinji has looked consistently the same for as long as Kaworu can remember. This slow air of change... it could take Kaworu's breath away, each time he notices a bit more length. It's something that takes place before his eyes. It's something he can watch. He's been able to watch Shinji for this long... It's exciting. For the first time, it's exciting to not know what happens next. What will Shinji's hair look like in another month?

Kaworu frequently thinks thoughts like this, and he's often blinking himself out of some smiling rapture, engrossed with Shinji as he is. He does that now — a flutter of lashes, the spread of his smile — so he can ask,] Do you want to tell me what you're feeling, too?

[Concerned. Shinji is a concerning person, it's true. It wouldn't be wrong to say he's burdensome. He's always doing something to sabotage himself or someone else or everyone else at the same time... Asuka's hateful comments burn inside his mind, like a pulse of venom through his veins. His smile wanes a little, and his hand sinks down from Kaworu's face. He touches Kaworu's hand again. He's trying to hold on to it, even though he doesn't deserve to. It's true that he's been trying to keep both of them close to him when he doesn't deserve to be with either of them.]

I'm feeling... [He turns his face in closer to the pillow, but not enough to hide his eyes.] I'm feeling happy to be with you. Happy to have you here. [He could tell Kaworu about what happened--with Asuka, with the keyboard, with his hot and unstable eyes--but it's at the last second that he can't find the courage to. Instead, he says,] I want to fall asleep with you, and wake up and see you here, still.

[In theory, with the Curse of Eva, they're functionally immortal. They don't have to say goodbye ever again as long as they can protect each other. (Asuka won't protect him, so Shinji has to do it. He'll figure it out.) Anyway, allowing his hair to grow is sort of like taking back control of his body, so maybe he shouldn't try too hard to shear it. He can remember admiring Kaji-san for looking like one of those badass, long-haired samurai in the movies...]

And I want more things to think about, if you want to tell me some. I'd really like that.

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