shinji ikari (?) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
astrobleme) wrote2014-02-09 08:24 pm
astrobleme) wrote2014-02-09 08:24 pm
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
driftfleet mental health log. (work in progress.)
content warning: depression, dissociation, self-harm (fingernails), somatic delusion, suicidal ideation, and related mental health issues.
1/26
Shinji arrives on the Marsiva. Initially, he's in a catatonic fugue state. Later on, he's heavily dissociated, unable to feel parts of his body, especially his extremities. Initially, he can barely communicate with spoken words, but that improves with exposure. His ability to text is surprisingly intact due to a combination of online disinhibition effect and auto-correct. Asuka has to show him how to feed himself, among other things. After meeting Kaworu, he's less convinced that this is a delusion on his part. He's crushed by guilt for being responsible for Kaworu's death. He forces Kaworu to promise to never leave him again. By and large, he is overwhelmed by what's happening, unable to make sense of his own thoughts and emotions.
1/26 to 2/2
Shinji spends most of the time looking at the stars and people watching. He eats when told to eat, showers when told to shower, etc. He does some exploration on his own, in the form of wandering around. He tends to dissociate when left alone for too long. He meets a few different people, but tries to keep to himself or stay with Kaworu and Asuka. Kaworu and Asuka don't get along at all, but Shinji is too tired to deal with it. He doesn't sleep during this time. His concept of time is nonexistent. Suicidal ideation comes and goes. He learns about Atroma's reality show, other planets, other alien species, parallel universes, and basic jamjar bullshit.
2/2
Shinji is assigned to the SS Heron. He has a panic attack upon arrival, vomiting repeatedly. He feels like he's been abandoned by Kaworu and Asuka, as they were assigned to different ships. Both Kaworu and Asuka arrive as soon as possible to be with him. He's highly unstable, irrational, and self-contradictory. They both say they'll stay with him. Eventually, he calms down and explores the rest of the ship. He meets some of the crew and one visitor, displaying PTSD at times. He meets the ship's captain and loses himself in the role of a soldier, albeit temporarily. The medical bay becomes his new favorite place for all of its medication. He picks up painkillers and sleep aids. That night, he takes sleep aids and falls asleep with Kaworu and Asuka.
2/2 to 2/9
Shinji's first week aboard the Heron is insanely rough. He's terrified of being left alone by Kaworu or Asuka for very long. He gets extremely paranoid that they'll never come back. When he is left alone, he tends to dissociate and either lies in bed listlessly or wanders around the ship like a ghost. He peruses the network, if only to stalk Kaworu's and Asuka's online activity, but largely he does not participate. He has trouble remembering to eat, bathe, and other basic functions, which Asuka has to coax/bully him into doing. Kaworu is there to shore up his emotional needs, even though nothing seems to stick. Shinji continues using sleep aids, but sometimes they don't work or he can't sleep for very long. Nocturnal panic attacks and nightmares occur. Suicidal ideation is still present. He refuses to leave the ship to visit the FS Starlight.
2/10 to 2/17
Shinji's second week aboard the Heron sees a little bit of improvement. He interacts with a few crewmembers on his own, even though it's ultimately a draining experience, sending him straight back to bed. He's getting more sleep in general, but the quality of sleep is poor from nightmares and the like. He speaks with Kaworu about Kaworu's love for him, reaffirming it, but also raising many distressing questions about Kaworu's past. After witnessing Kaworu and Asuka get into yet another fight over him (in public, on the network!), Shinji decides it's time to step in. He confronts both of them privately about their behavior. He points out Asuka's jealousy, which is a bad move, but eventually he promises her to never leave again. This gives him the barest sense of purpose. Meanwhile, he apologizes to Kaworu for causing so much trouble. He still very much hates himself and believes they would both be better off without him. Sometimes he wants them to go out and meet new, more desirable people, but mostly he's afraid of being abandoned. He still isn't feeding himself or bathing consistently without external reminders. He still hasn't visited the FS Starlight, but he's starting to wonder what it's like.
2/18 to 2/25
Shinji's third week aboard the Heron seems like more of the same, until the Shuffle happens. Two more people disappear from the ship--notably, they're both Japanese, and Shinji had previously spoken to them. It really sets in for him that he's expendable and probably next in line to disappear because his ratings are very poor. (He thinks his ratings suck because everyone hates him, but he just spent three weeks mostly sleeping or staring at the ceiling...) It culminates into a weird slow motion panic attack where he runs away from the Heron to visit the Starlight, without telling Kaworu and Asuka where he's going. Worst of all, he rashly decides that he's going to stay on the Starlight so Atroma won't have to deal with him anymore. He explores the Starlight and meets several people while playing arcade games, buying a new music player, visiting the datary, etc. Asuka eventually finds him and yells at him for being a jerk, before passing him off to Kaworu. Shinji and Kaworu discuss how people keep hiding things from Shinji, and eventually Kaworu convinces Shinji to come back to the Fleet. Shinji apologizes to Asuka for his behavior, too. He shows a remarkable amount of self-awareness with regard to his own mental illness. This could be considered a slight breakthrough. Still, Shinji is currently self-harming in the form of picking/biting his fingernails. He's experiencing somatic delusions where he's convinced his blood isn't human blood, among other things.
2/26 to 3/4
Shinji's fourth week aboard the Heron leads to the improvement of his sleeping schedule. Instead of taking too much medicine and sleeping for 12 or more hours every day, he's easing off on that and getting some natural sleep. The music player helps him with that. He's still having bad dreams, though. He's still paranoid that he'll disappear, even though he agrees that the Fleet is the best place for him to be right now. Another Japanese person disappears in the Shuffle, adding to his paranoia. He decides that he really does need to chill out, so he responds to a post about art therapy on the network. He also meets other extremely nice, personable people who don't treat him poorly. It's confusing. He doesn't understand why strangers would want to be nice to him. His personal hygiene is still inconsistent, in need of reminders.
3/5 to 3/12
Shinji's fifth week aboard the Heron involves some soul searching on his part, after someone on the network tells him that it's "amazing" for him to feel discontent in himself. Apparently, most people don't even reach that point due to their own complacency. It leads to Shinji visiting other ships and exploring the Iskaulit, the communal ship, searching for something he can do to improve himself. If he makes himself useful, he thinks, he will probably not be sent home in spite of his low ratings. He visits the Iskaulit's garden and offers to help out there as much as possible. This isn't a "job" per se, and it definitely isn't piloting Eva, but it's an activity that doesn't involve staring at the ceiling all day. He also has a much-needed heart-to-heart with Kaworu about the nature of their friendship. A few days before White Day, Shinji makes a network post addressing all of the people who have been kind to him thus far. He's thankful and willingly offering gifts/conversations. He gives Kaworu a wristwatch and admits, at last, that he loves Kaworu. He gives Asuka a kiss and a gift card to a clothing boutique. He's trying to figure out how he can better balance these two special people in his life.
3/13 to 3/19
Shinji's sixth week aboard the Heron leads to an improvement of his ratings as a result of the network post. Still, he feels stung from the audience's earlier rejection, so he oscillates between appreciation and being afraid of doing the wrong thing. At the same time, the Heron loses the captain that was so nice to Shinji, which is very disheartening. Shinji is still terrified of disappearing randomly. He allows himself to be bullied into going clothes shopping with Asuka. In general, he's still self-harming by biting and picking at his nails, but he has started taking control of his personal hygiene. He usually remembers to take a shower, brush his teeth, and change his clothes. He still isn't eating very much, but the Heron's new cook provides more incentive to do it.
3/20 to 3/26
Pending...
3/27 to 4/2
Pending...
4/3 to 4/9
Pending...
4/10 to 4/16
Pending...
4/17 to 4/23
Pending...
4/24 to 4/30
Pending...
5/1 to 5/7
Pending...
1/26
Shinji arrives on the Marsiva. Initially, he's in a catatonic fugue state. Later on, he's heavily dissociated, unable to feel parts of his body, especially his extremities. Initially, he can barely communicate with spoken words, but that improves with exposure. His ability to text is surprisingly intact due to a combination of online disinhibition effect and auto-correct. Asuka has to show him how to feed himself, among other things. After meeting Kaworu, he's less convinced that this is a delusion on his part. He's crushed by guilt for being responsible for Kaworu's death. He forces Kaworu to promise to never leave him again. By and large, he is overwhelmed by what's happening, unable to make sense of his own thoughts and emotions.
1/26 to 2/2
Shinji spends most of the time looking at the stars and people watching. He eats when told to eat, showers when told to shower, etc. He does some exploration on his own, in the form of wandering around. He tends to dissociate when left alone for too long. He meets a few different people, but tries to keep to himself or stay with Kaworu and Asuka. Kaworu and Asuka don't get along at all, but Shinji is too tired to deal with it. He doesn't sleep during this time. His concept of time is nonexistent. Suicidal ideation comes and goes. He learns about Atroma's reality show, other planets, other alien species, parallel universes, and basic jamjar bullshit.
2/2
Shinji is assigned to the SS Heron. He has a panic attack upon arrival, vomiting repeatedly. He feels like he's been abandoned by Kaworu and Asuka, as they were assigned to different ships. Both Kaworu and Asuka arrive as soon as possible to be with him. He's highly unstable, irrational, and self-contradictory. They both say they'll stay with him. Eventually, he calms down and explores the rest of the ship. He meets some of the crew and one visitor, displaying PTSD at times. He meets the ship's captain and loses himself in the role of a soldier, albeit temporarily. The medical bay becomes his new favorite place for all of its medication. He picks up painkillers and sleep aids. That night, he takes sleep aids and falls asleep with Kaworu and Asuka.
2/2 to 2/9
Shinji's first week aboard the Heron is insanely rough. He's terrified of being left alone by Kaworu or Asuka for very long. He gets extremely paranoid that they'll never come back. When he is left alone, he tends to dissociate and either lies in bed listlessly or wanders around the ship like a ghost. He peruses the network, if only to stalk Kaworu's and Asuka's online activity, but largely he does not participate. He has trouble remembering to eat, bathe, and other basic functions, which Asuka has to coax/bully him into doing. Kaworu is there to shore up his emotional needs, even though nothing seems to stick. Shinji continues using sleep aids, but sometimes they don't work or he can't sleep for very long. Nocturnal panic attacks and nightmares occur. Suicidal ideation is still present. He refuses to leave the ship to visit the FS Starlight.
2/10 to 2/17
Shinji's second week aboard the Heron sees a little bit of improvement. He interacts with a few crewmembers on his own, even though it's ultimately a draining experience, sending him straight back to bed. He's getting more sleep in general, but the quality of sleep is poor from nightmares and the like. He speaks with Kaworu about Kaworu's love for him, reaffirming it, but also raising many distressing questions about Kaworu's past. After witnessing Kaworu and Asuka get into yet another fight over him (in public, on the network!), Shinji decides it's time to step in. He confronts both of them privately about their behavior. He points out Asuka's jealousy, which is a bad move, but eventually he promises her to never leave again. This gives him the barest sense of purpose. Meanwhile, he apologizes to Kaworu for causing so much trouble. He still very much hates himself and believes they would both be better off without him. Sometimes he wants them to go out and meet new, more desirable people, but mostly he's afraid of being abandoned. He still isn't feeding himself or bathing consistently without external reminders. He still hasn't visited the FS Starlight, but he's starting to wonder what it's like.
2/18 to 2/25
Shinji's third week aboard the Heron seems like more of the same, until the Shuffle happens. Two more people disappear from the ship--notably, they're both Japanese, and Shinji had previously spoken to them. It really sets in for him that he's expendable and probably next in line to disappear because his ratings are very poor. (He thinks his ratings suck because everyone hates him, but he just spent three weeks mostly sleeping or staring at the ceiling...) It culminates into a weird slow motion panic attack where he runs away from the Heron to visit the Starlight, without telling Kaworu and Asuka where he's going. Worst of all, he rashly decides that he's going to stay on the Starlight so Atroma won't have to deal with him anymore. He explores the Starlight and meets several people while playing arcade games, buying a new music player, visiting the datary, etc. Asuka eventually finds him and yells at him for being a jerk, before passing him off to Kaworu. Shinji and Kaworu discuss how people keep hiding things from Shinji, and eventually Kaworu convinces Shinji to come back to the Fleet. Shinji apologizes to Asuka for his behavior, too. He shows a remarkable amount of self-awareness with regard to his own mental illness. This could be considered a slight breakthrough. Still, Shinji is currently self-harming in the form of picking/biting his fingernails. He's experiencing somatic delusions where he's convinced his blood isn't human blood, among other things.
2/26 to 3/4
Shinji's fourth week aboard the Heron leads to the improvement of his sleeping schedule. Instead of taking too much medicine and sleeping for 12 or more hours every day, he's easing off on that and getting some natural sleep. The music player helps him with that. He's still having bad dreams, though. He's still paranoid that he'll disappear, even though he agrees that the Fleet is the best place for him to be right now. Another Japanese person disappears in the Shuffle, adding to his paranoia. He decides that he really does need to chill out, so he responds to a post about art therapy on the network. He also meets other extremely nice, personable people who don't treat him poorly. It's confusing. He doesn't understand why strangers would want to be nice to him. His personal hygiene is still inconsistent, in need of reminders.
3/5 to 3/12
Shinji's fifth week aboard the Heron involves some soul searching on his part, after someone on the network tells him that it's "amazing" for him to feel discontent in himself. Apparently, most people don't even reach that point due to their own complacency. It leads to Shinji visiting other ships and exploring the Iskaulit, the communal ship, searching for something he can do to improve himself. If he makes himself useful, he thinks, he will probably not be sent home in spite of his low ratings. He visits the Iskaulit's garden and offers to help out there as much as possible. This isn't a "job" per se, and it definitely isn't piloting Eva, but it's an activity that doesn't involve staring at the ceiling all day. He also has a much-needed heart-to-heart with Kaworu about the nature of their friendship. A few days before White Day, Shinji makes a network post addressing all of the people who have been kind to him thus far. He's thankful and willingly offering gifts/conversations. He gives Kaworu a wristwatch and admits, at last, that he loves Kaworu. He gives Asuka a kiss and a gift card to a clothing boutique. He's trying to figure out how he can better balance these two special people in his life.
3/13 to 3/19
Shinji's sixth week aboard the Heron leads to an improvement of his ratings as a result of the network post. Still, he feels stung from the audience's earlier rejection, so he oscillates between appreciation and being afraid of doing the wrong thing. At the same time, the Heron loses the captain that was so nice to Shinji, which is very disheartening. Shinji is still terrified of disappearing randomly. He allows himself to be bullied into going clothes shopping with Asuka. In general, he's still self-harming by biting and picking at his nails, but he has started taking control of his personal hygiene. He usually remembers to take a shower, brush his teeth, and change his clothes. He still isn't eating very much, but the Heron's new cook provides more incentive to do it.
3/20 to 3/26
Pending...
3/27 to 4/2
Pending...
4/3 to 4/9
Pending...
4/10 to 4/16
Pending...
4/17 to 4/23
Pending...
4/24 to 4/30
Pending...
5/1 to 5/7
Pending...